Seven Dirty Words You Can Never Say in an Apology

There’s a right and wrong way to apologize.  So be careful: a badly-handled apology is often worse than no apology at all.  While there is no way to guarantee that an apology will be accepted, there are seven words that will always destroy an apology’s effectiveness and make a bad situation even worse.  Here are seven dirty words that will cut off any apology at the knees before it has a chance to walk.  Avoid these seven apology busters and your apology has a much better chance of being accepted and restoring the relationship, which is the goal of every apology. 

1.  If 

As in “I certainly apologize if I offended anyone” or “I’m sorry if you considered my remarks offensive.”  The word “if” is the nastiest qualifier in any apology.  By making the apology contingent, the apologizer says the offense may or may not have happened at all.  Even if the offense did happen, it has more to do with the sensibilities of the victim than the responsibility of the apologizer.  This is infuriating for the victim, for whom the offense is very real. 

2.  But 

As in, I am very sorry, but you started it,” or “I apologize, but I thought you wouldn’t mind.”  The word “but” is almost always guaranteed to botch an apology.  The goal is to deflect some of the responsibility of the offense from ourselves.  Guess who’s the lucky beneficiary of the responsibility we are so generously willing to share? 

3.  May

As in “I am sorry my remarks may have been misinterpreted” or “It’s possible I may have said something offensive.”  Using the word “may” as a conditional in an apology is another way to distance yourself from accountability.  The use of “may” serves to turn very a real offense into a mere hypothetical. 

4.  Were or Was 

As in the passive “I'm sorry you were punched” or “It’s too bad that your reputation was damaged” when what you mean is “I’m sorry I punched you” or “I apologize for damaging your reputation.  The passive voice is another way of avoiding responsibility when you have done something you don’t want to accept responsibility for.  So instead of using the active, “I made a mistake,” the apology comes out “mistakes were made.” 

5.  Know 

As in “I know just how you feel” or “You know I’d never want to offend you.”  Pretending you know how the victim feels is a power trip borne out of arrogance and a superior attitude.  If you go in with the attitude that you know how the victim feels, all you’re going to do is enrage him or her.  You may guess right—no matter—the recipient of the apology will not be grateful. 

6.  Intention

As in, “It was never my intention to let it go so far” or “I never intended to hurt you.”  One of the hardest lessons for apologizers to learn is that the first thing victims care about is consequences, not intentions.  Any conversation about intentions, if it comes at all, comes much later. 

7.  Want

As in “I want to apologize to you.”  “I want to apologize” may sound like an apology, but is no more about actually apologizing than “I want to lose weight” is about actually losing weight.   It’s good to want to apologize; it’s better to actually do it. 

Using these seven dirty words in an apology often compounds the offense by suggesting that the offender didn’t really do it, or if he did, it wasn’t that bad, or the victim was morally clueless and it had it coming in the bargain. An apology is effective when the offender recognizes the offense, takes responsibility, expresses remorse, offers restitution, and promises not to do it again.  When you’ve taken full ownership of your responsibility, when you don’t trail your apology with excuses or mitigators like so many brooms behind an elephant—then you have truly apologized. 

John Kador is an author in Winfield, PA.  His forthcoming book is Effective Apology: Mending Fences, Building Bridges, and Restoring Trust (Berrett-Koehler, Spring 2009).   He can be contacted at jkador@jkador.com