Don't Ask, Don't Tell

I wanted the One on One column to address common issues in IT that for one reason or another were simply deemed unmentionable. One of those issues was and, to a lesser extent, still is, homosexuality. I had the hardest time finding a gay IT professional who would talk to me. Many of the people I talked to were supportive of my column idea, but even though thery were completely out, they felt that it would be career-limiting for them to be the subject of the interview. I eventually found a professional association of gay and lesbian IT workers. I put my proposal to them and by and by Daniel Weisberg, a programmer in the Chicago area, volunteered. I appreciated his optimism that the best answer for bigotry was being visible.

One on One Daniel Weisberg
Published January 1993

The decision to be attracted to men was not mine to make.

Do you work with any gay people in your organization? Statistics suggest that if you work with 10 people, one or two are likely to be homosexual. A few of them may be open about their sexual preference, but even if they make themselves known to their co-workers, few gay information systems professionals choose to be conspicuous about this aspect of their lives.

So it took quite a while before I located a gay programmer who was willing to talk to me. I put the word out that I wanted to interview a gay IS professional, placed ads in gay newspapers around the country, and even contacted an organization for high tech gays in San Francisco. Only a few people showed interest and all but one, with varying levels of regret, declined. As it turned out, that person and I live and work in the same metropolitan area, Chicago.

Daniel Weisberg, 36, is an accomplished analyst and programmer with many high-level applications to his credit. Born in Detroit, he attended Brandeis University and the University of Michigan. Earlier in his career, he worked for Information Builders, Inc., the developer of the FOCUS data base system and became a proficient designer of FOCUS applications. Weisberg is a principal in Thoughtful Solutions Company, a Chicago-based consulting firm. He is on the board of directors of Horizons, a gay and lesbian self-help organization and lives with his partner of ten years in Chicago.

Why have you agreed to talk to me when--given the controversy about homosexuality--this interview is not exactly guaranteed to enhance your career prospects?

I've given that question a lot of thought. On the whole, it may not advance my career to disclose that I'm gay. On the other hand, in particular cases perhaps it might. There may be people in hiring positions, either as employers or potential clients, who might respect someone who's honest and forthright about who he is.

You are now well established in your career. When you began your programming career, how did you handle the question of your sexual identity among your colleagues?

Even from the beginning, I tried never to do anything to give people the impression that I was heterosexual. For example, I would never suggest that I had a girl friend or a romantic interest in a woman. If people would ask me directly, I would answer the question. But people never asked. For the first few years, I didn't talk about it at all and it really wasn't much of an issue.

How did you handle office Christmas parties, picnics, and other functions that spouses and families attend?

Well, it was easy when I was an unattached gay pers1on. When D1100ave and I decided to share a home together in 1988, the issue became more significant. Had Illinois law allowed it, we might have chosen to become married. Of course, it didn't. But there are still things that go on in the workplace where the spouses of employees are recognized. So I began to bring David with me to office parties.

What were the reactions?

Mostly very good. I think that's a credit to the educational levels and sophistication the IS industry enjoys. Typically, people in this industry tend to have college educations. That's no guarantee, of course, but it tends to give them exposure to a wider range of cultures, people and lifestyles.

How do you handle homophobic jokes or comments at work?

I remember a conversation at the lunch table about five years ago. One of my colleagues, a guy I regarded highly, made a joke about gay people. I was very uncomfortable. Today, I might say something like, "I'd like you to know that your comment really troubles me." But at that time, I kept silent. I handled it later by talking to him in private.

The issue of homosexuality is very much in the news right now. Are there reasons why gays can be hopeful?

Absolutely. Just in the last year or two, some significant corporations have announced benefit rights for domestic partners. Levi Strauss, Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream, and Lotus in our own industry are companies that have recognized that it's discriminatory to allow only partners of heterosexual partners access to health benefits. I can also point to the number of states that have followed the lead of Wisconsin to grant gay and lesbian residents protection in the areas of employment and housing.

The big political issue, of course, is the ban of gays in the military.

I'm saddened that General Colin Powell, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, who is Black, has come out in public opposition to lift the ban. Had Harry Truman listened to the general's predecessor, the general would not be where he is today. And, by the way, why don't we, as a society, worry about lesbians in the military?

When did you first realize you were gay?

When did I first start to feel attracted to members of my own sex? That would be around the time of puberty. But I didn't accept my homosexuality until I was 24. Until then, it was something I fought and imagined somehow could be changed. I attempted to change through psychotherapy. I was very uncomfortable with the notion because I had internalized some stereotypes about homosexuality.

What were those stereotypes?

At that time, I imagined a lonely life, hanging out in state highway roadside restrooms, growing old by myself. That was my limited conception because of our society's failure to educate its young people about what gay lifestyles can possibly be. It took me until the age of 24 to make the decision that, in fact, I could be happy and gay at the same time.

What's the most dangerous stereotype about gays?

That gay people choose to be gay. That it's a conscious decision to turn their backs on the moral order. While clearly it's a decision to lead one or another type of gay lifestyle, the decision to be attracted to men was not mine to make. Why would anyone choose to be a member of a hated and often victimized minority group?

How about other stereotypes. One of the most pervasive myths is that gay men are more artistic and have more highly refined sensibilities.

Actually, there is some truth to this stereotype because it turns out that most gay people have to go through long periods of introspection and self-examination. For my part, I went through a lot of self-examination. It made sense for me to do so because I felt at odds with the culture. It seemed to me I looked inwards to a far greater extent than did most of my heterosexual friends. But that experience of looking and self-examination is a necessary activity for artists. As a result many gays have translated the experience of self-questioning into artistic realms.

Describe your experience coming out to your friends and family.

On the whole I was encouraged by the feedback and acceptance. It made me realize that, among my friends, I had chosen wisely. Just as I came out, my family had to come out. I am wonderfully proud of my family. They are very supportive. I'm on good terms with all my brothers as well as my partner's parents.

Physical violence against gays is a fact of life. Have you been targeted?

I've been harassed and verbally assaulted, but I've never been physically attacked. I remember I was part of a group coming out of a restaurant after a Gay Pride parade and some people in a car shouted at us something like, "Faggots, we hope you die of AIDS."

How has AIDS changed your life?

It's made me face death directly. My first personal experience of being in the same room with a person who died was with a person with AIDS. It was very difficult, and a very maturing experience.

Homophobia is not restricted to homosexuals. Gay people also internalize the general values of society. How have you dealt with your own internalized homophobia?

One way was by remaining in the closet for the first period of my life and trying to convert myself in some completely unrealistic way. Then I joined a coming out group. We spent about 10-12 weeks together talking about individual feelings and experiences. That was probably the most significant step I took to learn that I wasn't alone, that my feelings were quite normal, and that I could chip away at the wall of misinformation that 24 years of limited observation had developed.

Can outing [publicly identifying a closeted gay person against his will] ever be justified?

I think so. The general consensus is that closeted gay people who are taking active steps to restrict or constrain the development of civil rights in the gay community deserve to be outed. So that if someone like Senator Jesse Helms were discovered to be a homosexual, I would have no hesitation revealing the fact. I am, however, opposed to outing someone who, while not doing anything particularly constructive, is at the same time not actively fighting our community.

Is bisexuality politically correct?

It's true that some people think that bisexuality is a cop-out for people who are afraid to commit to homosexuality. While true bisexuality exists, it exists substantially less frequently than the number of people who claim the label might suggest. Many people who claim to be bisexual are still reluctant to lose the heterosexual component of their sexuality which they feel gains them acceptability in society. At the same time, I have friends who honestly find themselves attracted to both sexes. So it would be a mistake to suggest that bisexuality is always a cop-out.

The gay community is fighting to change many things about society. Where does the gay community need to clean up its own act?

It saddens me to see insensitivity in my own community with regard to women, gay and straight. There are gay men who are sexist--who treat women with particular callousness because there isn't even a sexual attraction to ameliorate their own biases. On the other hand, the relationship between gays and lesbians is improving dramatically and I don't think there is anyone happier about that than I am. We have a tremendous amount to gain by building coalitions.

Back to Favorite One on One Columns